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| "I wished i could infect her with my knowledge of ulterior motives, bullshit and everyday chicanery. how MOST of the time things dont go your way. how no one will EVER love you the way you want them to.
how for every good deed theres 2 others trying to put one over on you. how kindness IS mistaken for weakness and how cheaply most people treat relationships."
i don't know anymore. do i want to try to figure it out? meh. i think i'm content doing what i do with whomever happens to be there as it happens.
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| i eat mac and cheese at 5 am and watch pee-wee's playhouse and giggle.
i dance to techno music all day and i sing and do hand gestures in the car. i talk to strangers, i smile at everyone.
i listen to mashups and i think about songs that would fit together nicely. i hate the radio, i hate movies, i hate television.
i know i'm probably annoying or too much, but i know i am a good person to know and that people value knowing me.
i may be too much or too intense or opinionated for some people, but that's fine with me. those who have been introduced and welcomed into my life have been well worth the wait.
i just hope i keep those in my life who i really can't live without, just to help me enjoy the ride that much more
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| how do i stop myself from screaming and ripping at everything i can when i think of having to give up friends at the end of this semester? i suppose i have to, i met this person who really makes me feel good about life. who tells me i'm different and nice and tells me when i'm entertaining. he looks in my eyes and smiles and we genuinely speak sometimes. learning to live with the impermanence of school is hard. luckily, i've updated friends with my schedule and i won't have to say goodbye to those who i am growing to love more day by day.
i wish i was a lesbian. i know so many better women than i know men. i wish it was up to me, and i can't say it's really burning at me but i still do think it'd be easier for me if i was.
anyways, well, the semester is closing in and i feel good about where i am with my projects.
more importantly, i am listening to extremely lame phantom of the opera music and it's making me cheese out like crazy.
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| i need to remind myself in the future just how fucking busy this week is and remember that after this, it just can't get any harder.
by this time next week, i need to:
-analyse every piece of art ive done in the past 1.5 years to present to faculty at my school, who will decide if i can get a BFA or not. (losing sleep over this!!)
-design and finish a perfume bottle for an asshole, picky teacher
-create a poster which depicts the history of the letter O, including photos i take and adjustments as my teacher sees fit
-design a shoe box for another picky teacher
-take a final for a class which i havent even studied for yet--the final is in less than 24 hours.
-plan the next semester of college, trying to squeeze in an appointment for advising somewhere
-try to get a new phone as mine's pissing me off
-keep my social life from ripping apart, as it's pretty close to currently.
-get over the overwhelming sadness and work hard, as difficult as it may be.
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| i don't mind. i dont mind if you abuse my availability. i don't mind if you call once a month, even if its just because you're fucked up and you want to yell at me or lie and say you want to see me.
you can always call me, see me, ask anything of me. i know you don't have much control over your own life and what you do, except for your relationships, especially with me. but i won't ever leave you. i've survived far enough without leaving this far along. you need stability, you need to know i'll always take you back as a person.
everyone deserves someone to love them.
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